And by this, I'm referring to the joy we all face when we decide it's time to get...A NEW BATHING SUIT. Yes, I'm going to rant a bit about this, and I'm sure some, if not all of you, will understand why it's necessary to get this off my chest.
If I had a chest to get this rant off of, maybe the bathing suit shopping wouldn't be as traumatic. I am firmly entrenched in the "bigger boobs = less attention to flaws below the boobs" school of thought. Hence, if I was blessed with a bigger bust, then I'd maybe be able to draw some attention away from the ROLLS that seem to be determined to be viewed no matter what kind of suit I'm wearing. So...boobs would be nice.
Tankinis are the equivalent of a swimsuit designer practical joke. Seriously... Anyone who's ever tried on this type of suit that has even a slight belly knows what I'm talking about. The only ones that hide anything remotely belly-like, are the ones with the gigantic granny bottoms that come up to below the bust line - which, if you don't have boobs (LIKE ME), becomes very obvious to the unfortunate people who happen to be at whatever water venue prompted you to put on the suit in the first place.
One piece suits are okay, but the ones that would be decent enough to camoflauge the flaws are all in hideous prints that you'd never see in public. The other other option in this category are the suits that were designed for the stick woman who wants both her breasts and bum (both likely non-existant) on display for the whole world.
Bikinis - HA HA HA, very funny. Not even a category I'd venture a look at.
So there you have it. Went looking, left empty-handed with an even lower opinion of my physical self - not that it needed any lowering. I'll stick with the suit I've got, even though it's really too old by now - at least it covers what it's supposed to and doesn't OVER emphasize the fact that I'd sell my arms and legs to have a bigger chest and a skinnier torso...
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4 comments:
Ok, I will have to agree with you that the only thing worse than going bathing suit shopping is...ok, I can't think of anything off the top of my head, but I am sure that there is something worse. But I think that there is a flaw with your reasoning. Bigger boobs does NOT make the issue any easier. I assure you that it makes it more difficult. Added to all the issues of cut of the leg, strategically placed stripes, designs or what ever to take the focus off the middle, there comes the search for some support. Most bathing suits have little to none. There is nothing worse than putting on a suite, placing the ladies where they should be, then taking a step and having them decide they would like to head south on vacation. Thinking about playing a game of beach volley ball? Not a frikken chance! Hey, just let me go home and get my sports bra on...I'll be back in a jiff. Over the years I have been everywhere from a C to....well lets just say, specialty shop bra. And unles you are a B/C cup or have fake ones, support is an issue. Oh my! Just the thought of this has worked me into a lather. I could seriously write a novel length bitch fest over this. You hit a nerve. I think I am going to go work out!...or fix myself a good stiff drink!
Hee hee hee - I didn't even stop to consider the issue of support, but I suppose you're right. I guess there's really no hope for bathing suit happiness once you get past the age where you're able to run around without a suit on all together.
You know what my favourite part of bathing suit shopping is? The wondeful lighting in the change rooms that oh so helpfully serves to illuminate every last bit of flab and celulite - from every angle possible. There is a reason why I don't have a 360 degree mirror at home... And how is it that everytime I go swimsuit shopping I show up at the exact time as a gaggle of 15 year-old underdeveloped girls who all crowd into one room together and complain that the size 4 bikini so-and-so just tried on is too big? No, just ignore me and the extra-supportive granny suit I'm trying to pretend I'm not going to try on... My problem is I never know which suit to try: do I go for the one which minimizes my thighs, the one which hides my tummy, or the one which straps the girls in? Where is the magic suit that hides all my flaws and makes me look fabulous and sexy yet demure? Oh right...it's off with my purple unicorn in the land of calorie-free chocolate. My bad.
PS: YOU SO HAVE BOOBS!!!!!!!!!!!!
PPS: I made the mistake of trying on a bikini once. Dear God. How is it that a bikini actually made me look WORSE than I do bare-naked? The Husband was helpful enough to comment that I couldn't pull it off since the deep-blue of the bikini brought out the blue veins running all over my ghosty-white chest. Which was too true.
Look out for the Flab of the Living Dead! Now in a bikini!!!! < cue screams of the hoards fleeing in terror! >
RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!!!!!!!!
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